2022.11.23

Only slept 3 hours. Came across this term limerence. It explains why I develop obsession towards someone who I am attracted to. Especially physical attraction or intellectual attraction.

Message I sent it to Anna...

I will admit. I am so scared to mess up by behaving so shy out of fear for the fact I will eventually disappoint Matias when he sees who I really am as a whole. I keep fallback to showing the curated parts of myself and gets frozen when there is any hints of intimacy... I want to recognize that I am scared and that is okay. It is because I have had experiences during the process of forming my attachment style, times when I expressed my needs and wants -- there were often shamed, minimized, neglected, or misunderstood. I recognize that deep inside of myself, I have this fear that I am not worthy of love consistently but conditionally. However, I trust that as an adult version of myself who is fully aware of my own weakness and someone who worked so hard to understand the wiring of it -- I believe that I am worthy of love and is capable of giving unconditional love to my significant other as well. I believe affective bonding based on vulnerability, expression, openness, curiosity, and most importantly authenticity is completely possible for me. I want a longterm committed partnership where we are standing next to each other and walking together. Allowing each other to take different routes, pause, go faster, go slower, or even with different people depending on their curiosities and desires with the trust of that we will reunite and hold hands to continue to expand/explore/move forward.

Ok tbh, one big reason why I keep develop limerence towards Matias is because he is hella attractive lol... SMH!

I guess it will be... amazing when I can merge the friendship we had and go beyond seeing him as a limenent object. I think if I can do this, at least I will be ready to form a committed partnership. We will see if he is ready for that. Taking it slow...

Move at the speed of trust. — Adrienne Maree Brown

And to build the trust...

Relationships are harmony-disharmony-repair, connection-disconnection-reconnection. It's in the reconnection that the trust gets built. You have to have a rupture in order to actually build the trust. — Esther Perel