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내가 어떤 감정으로부터 도망치고 싶을 때 마다 내 생각을 방해해줄 수 있는 케이팝을 듣는구나. 순간순간 필요할 때는 괜찮지만 없으면 안될 것 처럼 찾게 된다면, 그 때는 잠깐 앉아서 내가 어느 감정으로부터 도망가려하는지 찬찬히 생각해봐야 하는 것 같다. 메기가 자기 작업에 대한 레퍼런스를 숨기려 했을 때 안나는 나는 저런 식으로 작업하거나 살고 싶지않다고 나한테 이야기 했을 때, 동시에 메기와 안나에게 공감이 갔다. 하지만 그 때 당시에는 나도 마찬가지로 앞으로 나아가는, 그리고 특히나 그 시기에 작업이란 것 자체에 내 자신의 아이덴티티나 가치에 투영시키고 있었던 (솔직히 아직도 그러는 느낌이 없지 않아 있다) 때 였었고 작업 한다는 것에 대해 엄청나게 프로텍티브한 상태이기도 했기 때문에 메기한테 좀 더 마음이 동했던거 같다. 지금에서야 그 때 나랑 메기를 동일시하며 느낀 감정과 안나에게 받은 상처...를 프로세싱 하고있다. 하이디 프룸이라는 유튜버가, 어떤 감정이 날 너무 불편하게 만들어서 그 감정에서 도망가려 할 때 (예를 들어 유튜브를 4시간 동안 본다거나, 어떤 것에 집착한다던가 등의 이유) 참을 수 없이 날 numbing 하고 싶다면 it's okay to allow yourself to numb at that moment. However, you must promise myself that I will comeback to that uncomfortable feelings that I am trying to runaway from. From now on, I will start to track the feelings that I have averse reaction towards and get urge to runaway. If I at least start to write them down, I will be able to talk about them with Crystal or just process it by my own. At least I am not running away from the feelings of negativities. I won't let my inner child stay stagnent with all these bottled up feelings of shame and fear to the point where she is frozen to make any actions. I will take care of her even though she sometimes make mistakes. I will get back to her and sit with her shame and fear. Give her big hug and tell her that it's okay to make mistakes. What's important is to break a pattern and realize that we can make an action that allows us to behave and show up in the world that is aligned with our ownself. Okay, feelings I am currently trying to runaway from:

  • fear of abandonment by Matias

  • shame from the social reactions at Kaje dinner

  • anger or pain from the conversation with Anna about Maggie

  • fear of not being able to make good enough show for LA in january

  • fear of losing hair and continuing to struggle with acne (body image)

Okay. These are some topics that I have been trying to runaway from. But here I am. Sitting down and writing those out. I will tackle them one by one. Maybe not right now. But I'm grateful that I at least identified these. I will talk about them with Crystal. Probably talk to Anna about the conversation. Okay, I feel lot better now. I just put new acne treatment. My acne will go away slowly. I will simplify my routine to morning: cerave cleanser - soonjung toner - cicalfalt & night: lcp cleanser - soonjung toner - cerave lotion - cerave lotion + adapalne - cicalfalt. Occasional niacinamide, hyaluronic, vit c serums once my pimples disappear. When my skin is inflamed and irritated, I have steroid cream and tea tree modeling mask so i can do those.

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